Remind me never to date a girl from South Dakota

Geplaatst op 03-04-2025

Today we’ll go funny funny since yesterday was more of a lame show-off cute dad day.

I won’t lie to you. I’m a *bit* bothered by something. Why has nobody from South Dakota ever visited my blog? According to Google Analytics, I have a pretty awesome group of followers going on across America (and worldwide, actually). Check out my funky little visitors map taken a few days ago. White is zero visitors, and the darker green you go, the more visitors that state has sent over.

A few observations here before I start my verbal attack. First… Utah. At this point in time, you obviously dominate the clicking. You better be careful, though, because any darker and you’ll be the only black state on a map full of green. We wouldn’t want to tarnish Utah’s squeaky clean reputation or anything. Second, mad props to Florida, New York, California, and Texas, even if you get it by default for having a bazillion people living under your canopies. The rest of America (except for one), thanks for wasting your time with me. Even Alaska and Hawaii have put up some decent numbers (thanks Erica!).

And then there’s South freakin’ Dakota. Why do you guys not like me? I looked up your population. You have over 800,000 people living there. Surely there are a baker’s dozen of you that own a computer. Yet, not a single soul from the Mount Rushmore State has ever come to visit. I’ve even had visitors from 24 other countries, half of which don’t speak English! Hmmm, I guess if you’ve ever heard a South Dakotan talk, neither do they.

Anyway, sorry to be such a big boob about it. Moving on…

Studying this map, I did come to one HUGE realization. I could totally use this data to find my next soul mate (in a decade or two when the data is extremely solid). Think about it. Over time, this map will tell me who understands me. This map will tell me who likes me. This map will tell me who gets my humor. This map will tell me who is over-obsessed with me. This map will tell me who I should pay more attention to. This map is better than any dating website algorithm. This map… is… is… is… the only thing I’ll ever need to decide if a girl is worth a second date at all, and it could even tell me if she might be ‘the one’.

“So where you from?” Arizona. “Arizona… okay, let me check my map real quick… Yep. you’re okay for a second date, when should we go out?” Tomorrow? “Yeah, let’s see… according to my map, you’re not really tomorrow material. Arizona has only sent enough people to warrant a next week date”. What if I sent a bunch of friends to your blog tonight? “Well, it looks like 25 new people would bump you up a shade and that would be good enough for three days from now. Can you get that many?” I’ll do it.

“So where you from?” California. “California… okay, let me check my map real quick… Wow…” What? “This may seem forward for a first date, but will you be my girlfriend?” Really? That is a little forward. I know, but look at my map. We totally get each other. This could definitely work out. Okay, why not.

“So where you from?” South Dakota. “South Dakota… okay, let me look at my… CHECK PLEASE!”
This theory could work. This theory will work. If I ever had the incentive to keep going on my blog, this is it. It’s a fool proof plan. What do you think?